 |
| Double Standards? I call it willful ignorance |
Building blocks of congruency:
Introspection
Self-awareness
Self-improvement
Self-content
Confidence
Desirable personality traits
Successful dating
Valuable relationships
Love
Total Happiness
These building blocks are not in any specific order. Yet from introspection to total happiness I believe these steps pave the road most efficiently traveled. I say efficient since nothing about obtaining happiness or improving self-worth is easy. It's a long time-consuming process that involves a lot of pain, hard work, honest assessments, and ultimately, great rewards.
Introspection
As with any endeavor, one must know their starting point. For personal development it's necessary to understand exactly what, who, and most importantly, WHY you are the person that exists today.
What
Personally, I think the what of any person is the most irrelevant piece of their being. What can be defined as the material and worldly definitions (labels) a person holds. For example, how many times have you been on a date and the first questions out of someone's mouth are "What do you [blank]?" This can be about work, "do for fun," things you own, or anything that could be found out by checking someone's Facebook profile. The what is basically the details that any person could have. These are the details of a person that bring nothing to a conversation or first date. Trying to have a conversation centered around the what is a waste of time and a lesson in frustration. How many times have you sat down for a first date and the first words past the initial small talk are a question like "So... what do you... [insert pointless question]" How many times has a conversation like that gone on to become something great? Very rarely bordering on never. What is a dead end to nothing.
The other issue with the what of a person is that constantly focusing on the labels they hold only reinforces seeking out validation from other people. Every time a person references someone their dating by a label (i.e. doctor, model, fwb, booty call, athlete, "some guy/girl") they only reinforce that label more concretely in their own minds. In doing so, the what then becomes the primary reason they're around in the first place. This is also how they're known in the circle of friends. The guy/girl doesn't have a name - they have a label of what they do/are instead of who they are.
Guys do this by telling their friends what a girl looks like, how good she is in bed, or any other blanket statement that dehumanizes the woman and focuses on what she can do for him. It's no wonder women think guys are only out for pussy! Women aren't any exception either. I've lost track of how many times I've heard a woman describe a guy as an occupation. "Oh he's a doctor!" - right... and that's the magical sentence to make him run fast and far away. If either sex heard the other describe them in what terms that relationship would be over really quick. It's the most ignorant and disrespectful way to describe a person. It completely ignores who the person is on a human level and labels them how the rest of society would care to see them. Don't believe me? You must be sheltered.
Now, look at yourself. Do you focus on the what? Do you focus on someone's job, body, hobbies, money, or what they do for fun? If so, you're most likely ignoring a lot of shit about that person. This holds especially true if you yourself aren't sure of who you are in the first place.
The other issue with the what of a person is that constantly focusing on the labels they hold only reinforces seeking out validation from other people. Every time a person references someone their dating by a label (i.e. doctor, model, fwb, booty call, athlete, "some guy/girl") they only reinforce that label more concretely in their own minds. In doing so, the what then becomes the primary reason they're around in the first place. This is also how they're known in the circle of friends. The guy/girl doesn't have a name - they have a label of what they do/are instead of who they are.
Guys do this by telling their friends what a girl looks like, how good she is in bed, or any other blanket statement that dehumanizes the woman and focuses on what she can do for him. It's no wonder women think guys are only out for pussy! Women aren't any exception either. I've lost track of how many times I've heard a woman describe a guy as an occupation. "Oh he's a doctor!" - right... and that's the magical sentence to make him run fast and far away. If either sex heard the other describe them in what terms that relationship would be over really quick. It's the most ignorant and disrespectful way to describe a person. It completely ignores who the person is on a human level and labels them how the rest of society would care to see them. Don't believe me? You must be sheltered.
Now, look at yourself. Do you focus on the what? Do you focus on someone's job, body, hobbies, money, or what they do for fun? If so, you're most likely ignoring a lot of shit about that person. This holds especially true if you yourself aren't sure of who you are in the first place.
Who
Which brings us to my next piece of introspection. Each and every person has unique experiences that build upon each other to create a unique human being that will never have a duplicate anywhere else on this world. These experiences and the integration into a person's personality is the who. For example, as a teen I used to be a very shy, awkward, fat, lazy, and an overall unattractive person. However, after finally looking in the mirror one day and deciding to make a change I became so much more than I ever believed was possible.
The first piece to making this change was figuring out exactly who I was in the first place. What were my values? What things did I cherish? Did I do things I didn't like? Did I do things I loved? What pieces of me did I love? What pieces did I hate? What did I want to change? How would I picture my perfect self? In various scenarios, how would I react? If I didn't like the way I reacted then how would I act different? All of these questions go into figuring out who you are as a person.
Now, I'm sure you're probably thinking "Yea, Cupid, I know who I am." I ask you... do you really? For example, if you have a date scheduled with someone for a specific time at a specific spot, do you expect them to be there? If they try to change plans at the last minute and leave you waiting on them for no good reason how would you react? Would you let them keep pushing the time back while you sit on the couch wondering when they'll actually be there? If so, then I ask is that something you actually want to do or because you have so few options? Or would you rather get rid of that headache and move onto the next one that is reliable when they make plans? If the former is still something that you do (regardless of what you say you want) then I want you to really figure out why you would allow that in the first place. What runs through your mind? What justifications were being made to allow someone to waste your time? There are always valid reasons for needing to change date plans but I can guarantee that they are the exception instead of the rule. If it's something that happens often then I would bet any amount of money there's a reason behind it other than what is being said.
Another example: You have date plans set up and everyone shows up as agreed. However, during the date the conversation becomes very one-sided. The person across from you wants to talk arrogantly about themselves but give two shits about you adding to the conversation. Do you sit there awkwardly and count minutes until you feel there's a good time to exit? Do you cut them off and end the date since they obviously don't know how to speak with someone? Do you find yourself attracted to the arrogance wondering what it is about them that gives them so much confidence? Do you even know why you're feeling these various emotions? If you've ever been in this scenario then it's time for you to sit down with a notepad and start writing some thoughts out.
Common male scenario: You describe yourself as a "nice guy" who wants to treat a woman right. You take women out to dinner, give them gifts and flowers, shower them with compliments, and jump at the slightest chance to spend time with her. She constantly dates assholes and comes to you to emotionally take a dump on you. She "loves" that you're such a nice guy and constantly says she wants to date a nice guy. You offer to give her rides if she needs them, spend time with her when she's feeling down, or even help her move. You offer to do a whole bunch of shit you think will make her like you. None of it does, of course, and you're sitting there wondering if one day you'll get a chance to be with her. Sounds pretty familiar right? Raise your hand if you've ever been in this scenario. Got it raised? Keep it there... now execute a swift lateral motion across your face and yell "knock that shit off!" If this "nice guy" is how you would describe yourself then the first step for you is to understand you've been lying to yourself the whole time.
Why
Which brings me to the next piece - why. Before we even delve into this section I want you to go through the what and who that contributes to you as a person. Grab a paper and split it up into three sections...
 |
| Don't even think about skipping this exercise |
Once you have this paper set up, I want you to fill in as much as you can into the what and who columns. Be detailed. Be honest. Most importantly, don't hide anything from yourself. This paper should be littered with good, bad, and ugly bullet points. Be brutally honest with yourself and if you catch yourself scoffing at a thought then write it down twice, star it, and fucking highlight it - this is something that needs worked out.
The reason I wanted you to have the first two columns filled in is so that you can reference it as you read this section. If you haven't done it because you think you don't need to then stop reading and don't come back until you do.
Got it done? Moving right along...
Why? It's the most common word that we learn as a child that drives mom and dad crazy. It's one of the first questions we learn to ask yet it's importance becomes more diluted the farther into the teenage and adult years we travel. A realization I had later into my college years was that the American education system focuses entirely on the what and how of life instead of the purpose, or why, that drives everything. Think back on every class (except for philosophy you wily fucker you) and think about how you were taught. Education focuses on preparing students for exams which are content-driven and require one to understand or memorize concepts and regurgitate them. Often times there is no requirement that one knows how a concept interacts with another until the higher level classes of a bachelor's or master's program. In K-12 especially, schools are graded on test averages of the entire school population. The regulating agencies have no interest in student's understanding why these concepts are believed or how they can be applied to other areas of focus or even daily life. If it was regurgitated well enough to earn a passing grade the powers-that-be are happy. As such, people are taught from day one of kindergarten to learn the what and how but never the why. Why? Why not? Who's to say it's wrong when the school has a high grade from a regulating agency? With the music, arts, and physical education programs progressively being cut from more schools there's an even greater focus on black and white lines with very little color splashed across the mind.
There are of course other factors but the point is that we are taught to think in absolutes. Absolutes have no room for personality, humor, introspection, or meditation. We are taught that for a problem there is a direct solution with very few possible answers. This "education" transfers to the rest of our personality and daily lives in that it stifles creativity, imagination, and self-expression through anything else other than consumerism. From day one we are taught that to be valued (read: attractive) we must attain the right car, the right job, the right house, the right woman/man, and always be considered "normal" (whatever the fuck that means).
Do yourself a favor and remove "normal" from your vocabulary
Take a good long look at that. What the fuck is attractive about any of that? If that's what normal is considered then imagine what kind of values, morals, and ideas have been pushed on you since childhood. Then imagine why anyone would be attracted to someone "normal." People strive to be normal and fit into society yet wonder why no one finds them attractive. Different is attractive. Confidence to say "fuck the norms!" and DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO is attractive. Now, this is where things are going to get a little rough and will probably go down some really long roads. For your paper, under the Why column, I want you to delve into each and every piece you have written down to define who and what you are. Let's say that you're a woman or man that constantly finds yourself being walked on. Dates that you try and set up fall through for various reasons. You haven't been laid for a while but that Hitachi/Fleshlight knows your every perfectly shaved just-in-case pubic hair.
I want you to constantly ask why for every single item you've written down. For every why I want you to go a deeper level down the rabbit hole continually asking yourself WHY. Start out with big topics on your list and continually whittle them down. Every item on your list should be able to break down into many other points that will eventually trace to a specific event or person in your past/current lives.
Some basic questions to start with if you need some ideas...
Why do you feel shy in public?
Why do you feel comfortable around your friends?
Why do you need a few drinks to get some confidence in yourself?
Why do you have trouble saying no to someone?
Why do you think you're single?
Why do you feel bitter towards men/women?
Why do you believe in religion? Or don't?
Why do certain acts make you angry? Where does that anger stem from?
Why do you feel it's wrong to love yourself or be comfortable saying cocky things about yourself?
Why why why? Make that rabbit hole go deeper and deeper until you find the roots of every single personality trait. If you don't find some deep, dark shit or have some thoughts that make you a little scared that you even think them then you need to start over and try again. Every single person has those deep thoughts that explain who they are today. Even if you think you're a perfectly stable person and skipped the exercise I guarantee you would benefit from taking this first step to truly understanding who you are. Don't be stubborn. Look inside and discover why you are who you are and continually do this. Once you begin delving into the soul it's a nonstop process of becoming the person we all seek to be. Go back every once in a while, look at your list, begin a new one, add to it, clarify thoughts, keep a journal, whatever will help you remind yourself that only you can truly understand how to achieve your wants and desires.
The deeper you allow yourself to venture inside the more you will gain.
Next topic to be covered will delve into this new-found self-awareness and exactly where it can lead...
~Cupid
No comments:
Post a Comment