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Cupid's Musings: Self-Content

If you haven't already make sure to read the previous posts. These are written to be read in order. 

Building blocks of congruency:

  Introspection

Self-awareness

Self-improvement 

Self-content 

Confidence 

Desirable personality traits 

Successful dating 

Valuable relationships 

Love 

Total Happiness

If you're a guy and you're reading this you know exactly what I mean when I say "Now you can FIX everything." Through putting aside the ego, looking at yourself as a mirror of the world around you, and realizing that you control exactly how you feel about yourself and the environment around you THIS is how one gains Self-Content.

This should be taken as having a dual meaning. First, obviously, you're content with yourself, your beliefs, and fuck anyone who doubts you. Secondly, you have personal content that is valuable and should be shared with anyone you choose to. There's no reason why something that excites you should be looked at as anything less than what you believe it to be. Ever had something you wanted to share with someone so badly because it excited you yet you felt you couldn't? Maybe that little voice popped into your head and said "Hey, they'll probably think it's stupid." Anything that comes to mind that's negative about something that excites you should be acknowledged... then squashed and told to fuck off. By following the progression that I've written about you have all the tools you need to start your own journey of personal growth. 

Developing Self-Content

So where to start? The posts before this one. That is your only answer you need until you've read, understood, and actually applied everything from those posts to your daily life. After that it's really easy to take care of the rest. By now, you should have a constant intuitive thought that permeates everything you do. LISTEN to that little voice. Everything you didn't do and wish you had comes from not listening to that little voice. It only develops from constantly asking why, constantly bringing yourself back to center, and constantly being honest with yourself. I had planned on writing a blog series about being successful at dating but now I realize all that success is gained through everything I've written prior. Find what makes you happy... become great at it... and live your fucking life. 

The deeper you venture inside of yourself the more you will gain. The more comfortable you get in the darkest inner spaces the more you will gain. The sooner you put aside your ego the more you will gain. The stronger the reaction to your inner thoughts the more important they are. 

~Cupid

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Cupid's Musings: Self-Improvement

If you haven't already make sure to read the first three posts. These are written to be read in order. 

Building blocks of congruency:

  Introspection

Self-awareness

Self-improvement 

Self-content 

Confidence 

Desirable personality traits 

Successful dating 

Valuable relationships 

Love 

Total Happiness

The shaping of anything beautiful takes hours upon hours of dedication and effort. The statues of Greek gods were not created in a matter of weeks or even months. They were the result of years of sweat, blood, tears, and most importantly, love. This love wasn't had for the imagining's of a sculptor, pining for attention and hoping for success. These sculptors of past became who they are remembered for by finding a love in their life. So, I ask you, reader, is there something you desire of yourself that you believe out of your reach? Secondly, do you love yourself? Are you comfortable being arrogant in regards to your self? 

If you answered "no" to any of those then why the fuck not? 

Think about it... 

We are one small mammal on a rock that exists in the perfect condition to sustain life and has done so for millions of years. This rock, OUR rock, is not even a pencil point to the rest of the universe. We are so tiny in this universe, solar system, even our society that it's pathetic for individuals to believe another's perception of them weighs one iota of a fuck. So what reason do you have not to love the FUCK out of yourself? Why shouldn't you think highly of who you are, what you believe, or why you believe what you do? Walk tall, be confident in body, mind, and voice and become what you've always imagined. This is where all of the hard work really starts. It's hard because venturing into new territory is always  an accepting of the unknown paths that we may find ourselves on, the friends we may find or lose, and the possibilities of new experiences.

In psychology there is a concept that discusses the Real Self vs Ideal self. The ideal self is what you believe you must become from society pressure, your role models, and from experiences in life. This "Ideal" self is an idea that you feel you must work towards in order to succeed in life. This idea is not one that completely forms from within. It is molded and guided by external sources and pressures. Parents, for example, give children an example of what the child should become. Career, emotions, reactions, violence, anger, love, happiness, expression, creativity, and communication can all be influenced by a parent. Raise your hand if you've ever had a time when you wanted one thing completely opposite of your parents? If you didn't raise your hand your'e either a liar or under their thumb. Neither of which helps anyone. 

The "Real" self is the little voice that guides a person towards their life loves. The first time a guitar is picked up, the beginning of a novel , the first steps of a runner's passion, or any other instant spark of attraction all tell us what our subconscious truly wants. When these two are in conflict issues will arise in all areas of a person's life. Specifically, a person's dating and social lives will reflect this internal turbulence the most. What happens, exactly? Think about a friend, or yourself if it fits, that keeps dating the same kind of person. This person is obviously a waste of time to everyone outside of the relationship but your friend, or yourself, keeps going back to them. Person A and Person B know they're wrong for each other yet they keep breaking up and getting back together... Why? Familiarity. Ever done something you knew you didn't like 100% but went through with it or dated someone anyways? Fear of the unknown is one of the driving forces to making a bad decision and continuing to do so. This becomes even more magnified when the familiar comes with redeeming qualities. Break free from the shackles of doing what you KNOW and start really LEARNING about what you do not. 

Golden Self

This mental exercise is one of my favorites and one that I have used often and give credit for much of my personal growth. This will allow yourself to begin finding purpose in every action you make. Every emotion that you feel, the friends you associate with, the life that you lead, and especially the choices you make will come into stark perspective. Once you've created this self and feel satisfied with the current version, you'll have something to work towards and identify goals that hold priority over others. No one can tell you what this golden self should look like, the qualities you're composed of, or the mannerisms this golden self holds. However, what you can be told is the process to create your very own.

*Protip: If you have celebrities that you would like to emulate then pull influence from them

1. Start out with a completely blank slate version of your self as you are today. 
2. How does your Golden Self look? What style would you like to have? Are you in shape? What body do you want to have? How is your hair styled? Facial hair? Body hair? Skin tone? What clothes are you wearing? What colors do you think look good on you? 
3. What about personality? How does your golden self act? What words would you use to describe your Golden, perfect, self? For myself, I would use charismatic, confident, funny, persuasive, outgoing, and respectful. Make sure that all of the traits are positive. The Golden Self is not where you put any insecurities or negative shit. 
4. Pick some common scenarios that you've fucked up in the past. How would you like to handle them better than you do now? What habits do you hold now that your Golden Self does not? Get rid of the negative ones and keep the positive ones. You only discover which ones are negative or positive by going through the introspection process. So don't skip out on that. 
5. What emotions does your Golden Self feel familiar with? This is no place for anger, depression, sorrow, regret, or anything else negative. Focus on positive ones that your Golden Self would experience on a recurring basis. 
6. Most importantly, WHY! What motivates this Golden creation? Hobbies? Career? Life's desires? Morals? Values? Everything that you can think of that doesn't fit the rest of the points. List them here and "finish" your Golden self. 

So what do you do with this Golden Self? You bring it to mind whenever you get a chance during the day. Start creating perfect body posture, facial expressions, and and words to match the person you wish to become. The more you visualize this perfect version of your self the more you will become just so. It's a dynamic process that, when done continually, will do wonders for personality transformation. 

Golden Timeline

The Golden Timeline is when you take that Golden Self and apply it to an internal timeline. This timeline has no exact dates or deadlines to meet - this is a timeline of your LIFE. Think about the things you want to accomplish, places you'd like to visit, material things you'd like to obtain, anything that comes from your Golden Self exercise. Now take everything that comes to mind and start placing them in order of what you believe feels best. Don't make it a mental exercise where you try and plan your entire life. Don't do that to yourself. Simply state some goals, put them on an imaginary golden timeline, and visualize that timeline. Make it a very vivid picture! This should have lots of emotion tied into every fiber of the visual you bring to mind. Own that visual. Become that DRIVE needed to obtain those goals.

Put aside any doubts. Put aside any bullshit (because that's what these excuses are) that "you can't make time" or "my mind is too busy" or anything that says you CAN'T do it. If you don't want to then whatever... that's on you. Either way, put aside the ego and delve deep into yourself. You'll discover a whole new world that you've never experienced. All it takes is dedication, time, and love for yourself. 

Get to it. 

The deeper you venture inside of yourself the more you will gain. The more comfortable you get in the darkest inner spaces the more you will gain. The sooner you put aside your ego the more you will gain.

~Cupid

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Cupid's Musings: Self-awareness

If you haven't already make sure to read the first two posts. These are written to be read in order. 

Building blocks of congruency:

  Introspection

Self-awareness

Self-improvement 

Self-content 

Confidence 

Desirable personality traits 

Successful dating 

Valuable relationships 

Love 

Total Happiness

These building blocks are not in any specific order. Yet from introspection to total happiness I believe these steps pave the road most efficiently traveled. I say efficient since nothing about obtaining happiness or improving self-worth is easy. It's a long time-consuming process that involves a lot of pain, hard work, honest assessments, and ultimately, great rewards.

Self-Awareness

In the last section, we covered the mental, conscious portion of delving into your personality. We covered exactly what goes into a person and broke down different factors that contribute to it. You've identified triggers in your past or current life that have undesirable effects on your person - or you didn't (Skipped the exercise? Go fucking do it)... and this next piece will help clear the mud to give a crystal clear picture of your Self. 

From Sir Robert Frost:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back. 

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.    

Hallmark and every other greeting card would have you believe that this poem is about seizing the future. However, the true meaning is that we are all faced with choices; both may be equally appealing or they may be very stark in contrast. You've trodden one path so far in life but that does not mean it can't be changed. I challenge you to take what you've learned from the introspection article and dive into becoming fully self-aware. Change your current path. Become so much more than you've allowed yourself to be.

Dedicate Your Time

Learning anything about oneself or enacting a change is never an easy process. Think back to a hobby that you tried picking up but failed because it was difficult to learn. How many failed projects lay unfinished? What about failed commitments to people you intended to keep? Perhaps there's a relationship that became serious faster than intended and scared one or both of you away? Think back on these failures and honestly ask yourself - What did I learn from them? Every mistake, failure, success, friendship, relationship (good or bad), everything in life is a lesson to be learned. When you encounter a situation about love, life, career, etc. do you have a plan? Do you know exactly what you want and how you're going to go about finding it? Do you ask friends for help or advice? Do you go to Facebook or other social media looking for some insight? Look back on all of these scenarios and take away any personal bias and honestly look at the scenarios. A trick to really figure them out is to take your point of view and say it aloud. Act as if this opinion on the matter will be told to 100 complete strangers. How do you think they'd react? Would they agree with what your view on the matter was or would they pick apart the story and point out where you are in the wrong? This is one way to really strip away bullshit from the lies we tell ourselves.

As social creatures, we humans have a tendency to seek validation from others. Whether it's from friends, family, or someone that we hold to be in higher esteem validation is constantly being sought. Think about a recent time when you asked for advice. Was it because you truly didn't know what should be done/said or was it because you wanted to feel like someone else was aware of your situation? What were the true intentions of sharing a piece of your life with someone else? I ask this because Facebook and other social sites are a breeding ground for random bullshit being posted. Ever seen someone post their entire relationship  timeline on Facebook? It's pretty funny to watch. Sad, but funny. Just yesterday I saw someone "apologize" to their boyfriend, through a status update, with a promise they wouldn't fuck up again. These kinds of actions are indicative of such a deeper root problem that I can guarantee these kinds of people are far from understanding themselves.

So what exactly does one do to fix this nonsense? With a promise. Promise yourself that you will dedicate time every day to stripping away the bullshit and finding your true intentions and desires. Promise yourself that for at least 20 minutes a day 3 weeks straight you will dedicate yourself to making a positive change in your life. Schedule this time and make it set in stone. Everyone has 20 minutes in their day to spare. Don't make any excuses since you'd only be lying to yourself - you have 20 minutes. Turn off the TV, get off the couch, and put your phone on silent and in another room. These 20 minutes are your time away from the world. Enjoy the fuck out of this time. This is your vacation, your time to be completely disconnected from the world. This is your time to learn how to love life and yourself.

Meditation

So what are you going to do with these 20 minutes? For now, a basic breathing exercise to relax the mind and body will be all you need to continue this inward journey. Before you begin, make sure to have a pen and notepad next to you. Leave it there and forget about it until after your session is done. Set an alarm for 20 minutes and get into position.

1. First and foremost, get into a comfortable position. Sitting on a chair, lying with a pillow under head and knees, or purchasing a zafu cushion set (my preferred option) allows the body to stay in a neutral-spine position and allow for maximum prolonged comfort.
2. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. For beginners it's good to use a mental exercise to help focus. I recommend either mentally saying IN - OUT with your breaths or counting the number of breaths. ONE is a full breath in and out. TWO is the next.
3. Don't try and control your breathing. Allow your body to breathe naturally and simply observe your body's breathing pattern. It will slow down. It will speed up at times. You will sigh. You may even yawn. Just let your body do what it will. 
4. Concentrate on the way your breath feels. Does it tickle the insides of your nose slightly? How does the cool air feel as it travels through your body? Do you feel these breaths coursing through other parts of your body? Mentally follow your breath's course.
5. Continue to focus only on your breathing until your alarm goes off.

Some common issues that may arise:

• You find yourself unable to concentrate
• A song gets stuck in your head
• Your mind keeps saying you should be doing something
• A random thought will get stuck in your head
• Body aches

These issues arise when the mind is fighting to be constantly stimulated by external sources. It's what we've been taught all of our lives from day 1 of turning the television on. The mind is used to a cell phone, TV, video game, computer, social media, other people, something other than our own minds giving us stimulation. Simply acknowledge the thoughts that arise, and then allow them to slip away. During your meditation session, your mind has one single purpose - RELAX. So allow it do so by focusing on one thing and only one thing... your breathing. 

If you have body aches, make sure your body is in proper alignment. For lying positions, make sure your head has a small cushion and that your knees are slightly bent by placing a pillow under them. If you don't put a pillow under your knees it will cut off circulation as well as causing stress on the knees. For seated positions, discomfort is part of the learning process. Most people have horrible body posture and sitting straight up for any period of time is near impossible without dedicated postural correction. If seated is too uncomfortable, then start with lying down. 

One other thing... if you fall asleep while lying down then you were not focusing on your breathing. Focus on the breathing and be active in that focus. Don't just focus until you're relaxed and fall asleep. A power nap is  a great thing but not when you have soul cleansing to do.

Mindfulness

Your alarm went off? Time to get to work. While you were focusing on your breathing what thoughts came to mind? Write down everything that you can remember thinking or feeling and especially any thoughts you felt were weird or out of place. These weird thoughts are going to be the most telling pieces of your psyche.
Don't try and organize the thoughts into a timeline or anything. Write them down then begin asking yourself why you believe they came up in the first place. Over time you will find that the thoughts surfacing the most are leftover baggage from past experiences that influence you on a daily basis. At first, it may not make any sense, yet with enough time dedicated to exploring why these thoughts present themselves it will lead you to find exactly where your personality stems from. Issues you have in life, relationship problems, career decisions, everything experienced on a personal level can be puzzled out with enough introspective meditation.

Don't simply allow yourself these 20+ minute sessions to delve into the soul. All throughout your day continually ask yourself "why?" For every emotion you experience just stop and take a minute to discover why you felt that way. Positive, negative, somewhere in between - delve into the reasoning behind it. The more you do this the more you will become in tune with your true desires. Over time you will realize that little shit that used to make you furious doesn't bother you anymore. You will find new beauty in things around you and your reactions to external sources will become vastly different in the most positive way possible.

To summarize:

• Meditate 20 minutes for 3 weeks straight until it becomes a habit
• Throughout these 3 weeks, and further, continually ask why you do/think what you do
• If you skipped to the bullet points knock your shit off and go read the rest of it

The deeper you venture inside of yourself the more you will gain. The more comfortable you get in the darkest inner spaces the more you will gain. 

Stay Tuned!

~Cupid

Cupid's Musings: Congruency

What exactly is congruency? The textbook definition is a balance and harmony in all things. For dating, love, relationships, and even self-happiness congruency means so much more. This one word summarizes nearly every single problem that can occur from walking up to someone and hitting on them to a divorce. As such, this one concept is the most important piece, not only for someone's dating life, but also for their total happiness.

Double Standards? I call it willful ignorance

It's important to understand exactly what goes into a person's happiness. Congruency will be referenced continually throughout all of these sections so keep that in mind.

Building blocks of congruency:

  Introspection

Self-awareness

Self-improvement 

Self-content 

Confidence 

Desirable personality traits 

Successful dating 

Valuable relationships 

Love 

Total Happiness

These building blocks are not in any specific order. Yet from introspection to total happiness I believe these steps pave the road most efficiently traveled. I say efficient since nothing about obtaining happiness or improving self-worth is easy. It's a long time-consuming process that involves a lot of pain, hard work, honest assessments, and ultimately, great rewards.

Introspection

As with any endeavor, one must know their starting point. For personal development it's necessary to understand exactly what, who, and most importantly, WHY you are the person that exists today. 

What

Personally, I think the what of any person is the most irrelevant piece of their being. What can be defined as the material and worldly definitions (labels) a person holds. For example, how many times have you been on a date and the first questions out of someone's mouth are "What do you [blank]?" This can be about work, "do for fun," things you own, or anything that could be found out by checking someone's Facebook profile. The what is basically the details that any person could have. These are the details of a person that bring nothing to a conversation or first date. Trying to have a conversation centered around the what is a waste of time and a lesson in frustration. How many times have you sat down for a first date and the first words past the initial small talk are a question like "So... what do you... [insert pointless question]" How many times has a conversation like that gone on to become something great? Very rarely bordering on never. What is a dead end to nothing. 

The other issue with the what of a person is that constantly focusing on the labels they hold only reinforces seeking out validation from other people. Every time a person references someone their dating by a label (i.e. doctor, model, fwb, booty call, athlete, "some guy/girl") they only reinforce that label more concretely in their own minds. In doing so, the what then becomes the primary reason they're around in the first place. This is also how they're known in the circle of friends. The guy/girl doesn't have a name - they have a label of what they do/are instead of who they are.

Guys do this by telling their friends what a girl looks like, how good she is in bed, or any other blanket statement that dehumanizes the woman and focuses on what she can do for him. It's no wonder women think guys are only out for pussy! Women aren't any exception either. I've lost track of how many times I've heard a woman describe a guy as an occupation. "Oh he's a doctor!" - right... and that's the magical sentence to make him run fast and far away. If either sex heard the other describe them in what terms that relationship would be over really quick. It's the most ignorant and disrespectful way to describe a person. It completely ignores who the person is on a human level and labels them how the rest of society would care to see them. Don't believe me? You must be sheltered.

Now, look at yourself. Do you focus on the what? Do you focus on someone's job, body, hobbies, money, or what they do for fun? If so, you're most likely ignoring a lot of shit about that person. This holds especially true if you yourself aren't sure of who you are in the first place.

Who

Which brings us to my next piece of introspection. Each and every person has unique experiences that build upon each other to create a unique human being that will never have a duplicate anywhere else on this world. These experiences and the integration into a person's personality is the who. For example, as a teen I used to be a very shy, awkward, fat, lazy, and an overall unattractive person. However, after finally looking in the mirror one day and deciding to make a change I became so much more than I ever believed was possible.

The first piece to making this change was figuring out exactly who I was in the first place. What were my values? What things did I cherish? Did I do things I didn't like? Did I do things I loved? What pieces of me did I love? What pieces did I hate? What did I want to change? How would I picture my perfect self? In various scenarios, how would I react? If I didn't like the way I reacted then how would I act different? All of these questions go into figuring out who you are as a person. 

Now, I'm sure you're probably thinking "Yea, Cupid, I know who I am." I ask you... do you really? For example, if you have a date scheduled with someone for a specific time at a specific spot, do you expect them to be there? If they try to change plans at the last minute and leave you waiting on them for no good reason how would you react? Would you let them keep pushing the time back while you sit on the couch wondering when they'll actually be there? If so, then I ask is that something you actually want to do or because you have so few options? Or would you rather get rid of that headache and move onto the next one that is reliable when they make plans? If the former is still something that you do (regardless of what you say you want) then I want you to really figure out why you would allow that in the first place. What runs through your mind? What justifications were being made to allow someone to waste your time? There are always valid reasons for needing to change date plans but I can guarantee that they are the exception instead of the rule. If it's something that happens often then I would bet any amount of money there's a reason behind it other than what is being said.

Another example: You have date plans set up and everyone shows up as agreed. However, during the date the conversation becomes very one-sided. The person across from you wants to talk arrogantly about themselves but give two shits about you adding to the conversation. Do you sit there awkwardly and count minutes until you feel there's a good time to exit? Do you cut them off and end the date since they obviously don't know how to speak with someone? Do you find yourself attracted to the arrogance wondering what it is about them that gives them so much confidence? Do you even know why you're feeling these various emotions? If you've ever been in this scenario then it's time for you to sit down with a notepad and start writing some thoughts out.

Common male scenario: You describe yourself as a "nice guy" who wants to treat a woman right. You take women out to dinner, give them gifts and flowers, shower them with compliments, and jump at the slightest chance to spend time with her. She constantly dates assholes and comes to you to emotionally take a dump on you. She "loves" that you're such a nice guy and constantly says she wants to date a nice guy. You offer to give her rides if she needs them, spend time with her when she's feeling down, or even help her move. You offer to do a whole bunch of shit you think will make her like you. None of it does, of course, and you're sitting there wondering if one day you'll get a chance to be with her. Sounds pretty familiar right? Raise your hand if you've ever been in this scenario. Got it raised? Keep it there... now execute a swift lateral motion across your face and yell "knock that shit off!" If this "nice guy" is how you would describe yourself then the first step for you is to understand you've been lying to yourself the whole time. 

Why

Which brings me to the next piece - why. Before we even delve into this section I want you to go through the what and who that contributes to you as a person. Grab a paper and split it up into three sections...

Don't even think about skipping this exercise

Once you have this paper set up, I want you to fill in as much as you can into the what and who columns. Be detailed. Be honest. Most importantly, don't hide anything from yourself. This paper should be littered with good, bad, and ugly bullet points. Be brutally honest with yourself and if you catch yourself scoffing at a thought then write it down twice, star it, and fucking highlight it - this is something that needs worked out.

The reason I wanted you to have the first two columns filled in is so that you can reference it as you read this section. If you haven't done it because you think you don't need to then stop reading and don't come back until you do. 

Got it done? Moving right along...

Why? It's the most common word that we learn as a child that drives mom and dad crazy. It's one of the first questions we learn to ask yet it's importance becomes more diluted the farther into the teenage and adult years we travel. A realization I had later into my college years was that the American education system focuses entirely on the what and how of life instead of the purpose, or why, that drives everything. Think back on every class (except for philosophy you wily fucker you) and think about how you were taught. Education focuses on preparing students for exams which are content-driven and require one to understand or memorize concepts and regurgitate them. Often times there is no requirement that one knows how a concept interacts with another until the higher level classes of a bachelor's or master's program. In K-12 especially, schools are graded on test averages of the entire school population. The regulating agencies have no interest in student's understanding why these concepts are believed or how they can be applied to other areas of focus or even daily life. If it was regurgitated well enough to earn a passing grade the powers-that-be are happy. As such, people are taught from day one of kindergarten to learn the what and how but never the why. Why? Why not? Who's to say it's wrong when the school has a high grade from a regulating agency? With the music, arts, and physical education programs progressively being cut from more schools there's an even greater focus on black and white lines with very little color splashed across the mind.

There are of course other factors but the point is that we are taught to think in absolutes. Absolutes have no room for personality, humor, introspection, or meditation. We are taught that for a problem there is a direct solution with very few possible answers. This "education" transfers to the rest of our personality and daily lives in that it stifles creativity, imagination, and self-expression through anything else other than consumerism. From day one we are taught that to be valued (read: attractive) we must attain the right car, the right job, the right house, the right woman/man, and always be considered "normal" (whatever the fuck that means). 

Do yourself a favor and remove "normal" from your vocabulary 

Take a good long look at that. What the fuck is attractive about any of that? If that's what normal is considered then imagine what kind of values, morals, and ideas have been pushed on you since childhood. Then imagine why anyone would be attracted to someone "normal." People strive to be normal and fit into society yet wonder why no one finds them attractive. Different is attractive. Confidence to say "fuck the norms!" and DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO is attractive. Now, this is where things are going to get a little rough and will probably go down some really long roads. For your paper, under the Why column, I want you to delve into each and every piece you have written down to define who and what you are. Let's say that you're a woman or man that constantly finds yourself being walked on. Dates that you try and set up fall through for various reasons. You haven't been laid for a while but that Hitachi/Fleshlight knows your every perfectly shaved just-in-case pubic hair.

I want you to constantly ask why for every single item you've written down. For every why I want you to go a deeper level down the rabbit hole continually asking yourself WHY. Start out with big topics on your list and continually whittle them down. Every item on your list should be able to break down into many other points that will eventually trace to a specific event or person in your past/current lives. 

Some basic questions to start with if you need some ideas...

Why do you feel shy in public? 

Why do you feel comfortable around your friends?

Why do you need a few drinks to get some confidence in yourself?

Why do you have trouble saying no to someone?

Why do you think you're single?

Why do you feel bitter towards men/women? 

Why do you believe in religion? Or don't?

Why do certain acts make you angry? Where does that anger stem from?

Why do you feel it's wrong to love yourself or be comfortable saying cocky things about yourself?

Why why why? Make that rabbit hole go deeper and deeper until you find the roots of every single personality trait. If you don't find some deep, dark shit or have some thoughts that make you a little scared that you even think them then you need to start over and try again. Every single person has those deep thoughts that explain who they are today. Even if you think you're a perfectly stable person and skipped the exercise I guarantee you would benefit from taking this first step to truly understanding who you are. Don't be stubborn. Look inside and discover why you are who you are and continually do this. Once you begin delving into the soul it's a nonstop process of becoming the person we all seek to be. Go back every once in a while, look at your list, begin a new one, add to it, clarify thoughts, keep a journal, whatever will help you remind yourself that only you can truly understand how to achieve your wants and desires. 

The deeper you allow yourself to venture inside the more you will gain. 

Next topic to be covered will delve into this new-found self-awareness and exactly where it can lead...

~Cupid

Cupid's Musings: Attraction

Attraction: The action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for someone or something.

Synonyms: charm, appeal, attractiveness, pull, allurement.

Obviously this one is attracted.

The word attraction is one that invokes powerful images at the slightest thought. For a man, the usual characteristics come into play: ass, tits, legs, face, tits, face, ass, tits, and a dozen more ways to say "What does she LOOK like?" How is she dressed? Is she fat? Is she ugly? Would I want to bring her around my friends? Is she someone my friends would give me shit for? Men are very unforgiving when it comes to women's bodies. If a man says he doesn't care and "focuses on personality" that's because he can't get the woman he beats his dick to until it's raw and useless anyways. Ask a woman what she finds attractive in a man and her answer will focus mostly on the intangibles: confidence, personality, humor, and charm. Charm... that magical word that alludes so many whose entire goal is to be exactly that. There are book upon books, movies, actors, and numerous websites dedicated to teaching men how to be exactly that. Yet, for all of these examples why is it that so few men actually understand how to be charming? Shit, there was even a TV show called The Pickup Artist starring this clown:

Mystery: "This is called Peacocking." Cupid: "You look like a tampon that fell out of a woolly mammoth's vagina"

I will go more into why the pickup community is mostly bullshit but for now just know that this "master pickup artist" knows absolutely nothing about how to have a real relationship. He's also just as sad and lonely as the guy who sits in front of his computer playing with himself all day. Supposedly these guys get laid at will and have women throwing themselves nonstop at their feet. Possible? Sure. Even if 100 women a year were tossing themselves at these guys how many real relationships do you think they have? Zero. Guys like this have tricks to use on the female brain that simulates real attraction but at the end of the day they're only pretending to be something they never were, never will be, and can't ever be. They will never be a real man for one simple reason: they will never be able to find a real woman that doesn't hate themselves on some level. They will never be able to truly find happiness. In The Game, by Neil Strauss, Mystery is revealed to be an emotional wreck that grasps for love yet never finds it. He claims to understand attraction and all the ways to create it when speaking with a woman. Yet, he falls short when it comes time to be a real person. If the self-proclaimed masters of pickup who "understand' attraction inside and out can't be themselves and find happiness how the hell does anyone who follows their principles expect to do so?

Attraction isn't something that can be broken down into bullet points, systems of conversation, tactical choices, or Him vs Her. Attraction is a mixture of confidence, personality, humor, body language, self-content, respect, and most importantly, honesty. All of these factors have to be present in the right amounts and at the right times. Without a balance in all things failure is the only option.

The pickup community, and so much of the dating world, falls into people playing characters they believe the other person wants them to be. So it only makes sense that their followers will have the same problems as their idols. It's all too common a theme that someone believes they need to be more of themselves for someone to be attracted to them. If these people don't love themselves in the first place why the fuck would anyone want to love them? Exactly. The beginning to learning anything about dating or attraction begins within. It's when there is a cognitive dissonance between the ego and the heart clashing with what the mind has been told and what the heart feels that issues arise. Step one to finding true love is resolving these issues within yourself. In other words... you must become congruent.

In Part 2 we delve into how attraction and congruency interrelate and what that means for love, relationships, and dating. 
~Cupid